I am MOM

I am MOM
If I knew then what I know now . . .
"I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'"
Erma Bombeck

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Puzzling


Completing a puzzle takes persistence.  The more pieces there are, the harder one has to work and the longer one has to keep coming back to it.  It is, presumably, more enjoyable to share the work with others.  If we only focus on the whole, we will not see the necessity of each piece, but if we only focus on certain pieces, we will inevitably get stuck, maybe even frustrated. 

What if our lives are simply a puzzle, the pieces making up bits of who we are?   To fully live each piece is to complete the puzzle, only we do not know where we are, in the puzzle.

Puzzles involve a healthy dose of faith, which is overlaid with mystery.  Living each day with wholeheartedness also requires faith, and letting go of certainty.  All we have is this puzzle piece, right now; the past is already laid and the future sits just out of reach. 

In life, there are certain opportunities for growth; pieces are illuminated that were previously dull. Not every piece is pretty.  Not every piece makes sense, in its shape, its timing or its feel.  Not every piece will be regarded as complimentary.  Growth rarely takes place when all the pieces fall together without thought, or effort.  Each experience contributes to the whole.  When several pieces fit together in succession, there is a momentary revealing. 

When components of our strength are revealed, we rejoice and we share it with others.  Conversely, when our challenges are revealed, we try to cover them up and we isolate ourselves from others. If we try to eradicate the pieces that are hard to bear, from our personal inventory – we will ultimately live without wholeness.  There will be a gaping chasm that we will be unable to cross.

It is easier to choose only to look at the good within us, but life will be incomplete.  How unsatisfying it is to get near to the finish of a puzzle and realize that one of the pieces has gone missing.  Recognizing AND accepting all aspects of our personal puzzle is courageous work. 

I know myself very well.  It hasn’t always been that way.  It is a choice.  I am challenging some of my earlier beliefs, ones that were formed by my interpretation of experiences.  In a way, I am peeling back the pieces of the puzzle to look and really see what is underneath them.  And then with a new understanding, slowly and thoughtfully putting the pieces back into place.  It is hard work.

As I started to do the inner work, I started to see more clearly what the pieces were, and how they fit together. My awareness grew.  Sometimes, knowing is much harder than ignorance.  For example, I have been engaged in parenting seminars this past year where we have learned about nine different temperament traits.  Early on, I learned that I am high in the sensitivity trait, meaning that my environment affects me through all of my senses, to a high degree.  Clearly this affects my behavior in certain circumstances.  Prior to knowing about this trait, I simply excused my behavior – as habit.  However, once I knew about it, and particularly how this trait mixed (or didn’t) with others, I had to attune to it. 

Attunement does not mean putting this trait aside, and choosing a different (easier) one; it means admitting the challenging aspects of it and learning new skills to live with harmony and respect for self and others.  Moreover, I wanted to resist the implications of having this trait; I knew that it was not valued by society (She’s so sensitive), therefore making it more difficult for me to navigate the world that I live in.

As sometimes happens, the more time you spend building the puzzle, the harder it is to live with the incompleteness.  Impatience takes its toll, particularly when one challenge leads directly into another. There will come a time when your staying power, your persistence will be tested.  Are you going to stick with the complications of a puzzle that won’t form, as you want it to, or are you going to tear it apart?  Are you going to dig deep and accept the scene as it unfolds and pause to seek the guidance that you need, or fall hopelessly into the chasm?

There is a tremendous amount of discomfort at the edge of the chasm.  It is the uncertainty of knowing what the pieces are, but not knowing how they go together that is hard to bear.  Moreover, for me personally, it is the self-doubt that enters my mind as I wonder if this piece of myself can ever by accepted or loved. 

When the completeness of the puzzle deludes us, and the pieces magnetically repel one another, we simply need to walk away.  We cannot force it.  Knowing, or seeing is only one part of our completion, a step in our journey towards wholeness.  Living wholeheartedly, with truth and connection requires a joining and a separating.  Ultimately there is a point of surrender, so that the pieces that are laid, the parts that are known, will coalesce to form something new, while the rest remains a mystery.