May 5, 2010
Yesterday I was writing in my journal and I could not remember which direction the accent went on the ‘e’ in Laurèn’s name. My pen stopped, hovered over the page, I questioned, was it accent grave or aigu? - my brain was a complete blank. With a fifty percent chance of being right I willed my body to write; I wrote, I paused, I chose the wrong one! The moment I wrote it on the page, my hand revealed to me what my brain could not. I was stunned. How could you give a name to your child, and then forget the intricacies of it?
There may be some argument about what the most important organ of the body is. Some would say heart, some would say skin, and some would say brain. Of course it is an integrated system, a team effort, certain aspects of living not possible without all parts. But, the brain is a fairly important organ for day-to-day functioning. I don’t know about you, but I rely on mine more than ever before. Scientists know that we will only use a small fraction of our brain in our lives. If I am not even using it to full capacity, how can it start to fail me now?
Last week, I had stopped for a coffee late in the morning. I knew I had a certain amount of time before picking the girls up for lunch. I sat down and relaxed, doing some reading and writing while watching the time. At 11:46 I started packing up; I had plenty of time, I thought. However, when I got to the van, a full ten minutes had passed. All I remember doing was putting my things into my bag – normally a thirty second job, and walking the eighty-five meters to the parking lot. Even if I had crawled there, it would not have taken nine and a half minutes. I was stumped, and more than a little worried. That loss of time could not be classified as a micro-sleep – what had happened?
Our brains do take short breaks throughout the day, especially if we are tired, stressed, or over-committed – did you ever drive home and not remember the route you took? Or walk to a room in the house, and forget why you went there in the first place? The other day I picked up the phone to call my mom, but I only stared at the numbers, as I could not even remember the starting point. Another time I was calling a friend and realized when I ‘ran out of space’ that I was punching her phone number into the microwave!
Sleep deprivation can affect your brain in ways that are similar to being impaired[1]. According to researchers Fairclough and Graham, partial sleep deprivation (aka: motherhood, less than 4 hours of sleep/night) causes “noncritical alterations in primary task performance”, but alterations nonetheless. Whereas full sleep deprivation (no sleep) results in behavior similar to that of an alcohol level of 0.07%; both the alcohol group and the sleep deprived group exhibited “a safety-critical decline in […] performance”. I would be curious to know the effects of continual sleep-debt over time. Another interesting fact of this particular study was that both sleep-deprived groups were aware of their performance impairment, while the alcohol group was not aware. So maybe I should just start drinking, and then I won’t really even notice my momentary blips!
When I was younger and my brain was unencumbered by the mental, emotional and physical details of supreme motherhood, I accomplished things, I was on top of my game, and I was busy and successful. I was (as it turns out) disillusioned! Even though I yearned for and imagined motherhood in those days – I was not a mother. I simply had no idea of the many demands and challenges I would be facing on a regular basis.
Today I stopped by the house of a stranger to pick up my cell phone, which I had lost a day or two previous. I found the house, slowed down, pulled up to the curb, and then attempted to exit my vehicle while it was still in Drive! Thankfully, I still had my seat belt on, (I only got dragged a few feet before I realized there was a problem.)
Now there are so many ‘things’ in my house (think Thing One and Thing Two, and multiply) I can’t think. I spend an inordinate amount of time looking for things. I pick something up to put it away, then I get distracted and put it down; later I can’t find it. There are occasions when I need to take a toy away from the kids; the problem comes when they want it back and I can’t remember where I put it. They don’t believe me, who can blame them?
Before kids, I had systems: alphabetically organized spices, CD’s and Movies by genre, clothing by color, shoes IN the closet, and so on. My systems were my strength. Now my systems have all failed because kids are not systematic, they won’t be sorted and catalogued, alphabetized and stacked or sized and slotted. They will simple not fall in line! They are not always capable of picking their things up, let alone placing them back in order, on the right hook, in the right slot in the fridge, on the right shoe shelf, or in the correct CD/DVD case.
Am I going crazy? I admire women who can work AND raise their kids. I feel completely under-qualified for the task. However, lately I have been glancing at Help Wanted signs in windows – so far, I think I could make sandwiches for the Lunch Lady, pump gas at the local gas station, deliver for Meals on Wheels, and join one of the animal ‘visiting’ programs at the seniors homes (as the animal).
Well, onward ho!
[1] Human Factors: The Journal of the Human Factors and Ergonomics Society March 1999 vol. 41 no. 1 118-128
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