NEW to Mumfullness - At the bottom of this story, you will see a link to the same story, in audio format. I have done this specifically so that my father-in-law can now "see" my stories. :)
My counselor, Kimberly said, “Count the losses, and grieve
them.”
But, I don’t understand how I can count the loss of something that is so ever-present.
But, I don’t understand how I can count the loss of something that is so ever-present.
Conflict.
Daily, hourly, moment-by-moment conflict.
It arrives, unbidden, like indigestion.
I know I have to do something, or my spirit will weaken
in battle, and separate off, leaving only a protective shell. The daily insults
and harsh words, the constant professing of a life that she hates, as if by
some twist of fate, it is my fault. As
if . . . well, it doesn’t matter. Her
happiness does not solely rest with me.
I can only carry the burden for so long before I sag under the weight of
its contents. Contents collected through
early years of hardship and loss. Not my burden and yet I have some
responsibility to her, my daughter.
The blessings and the burdens of parenting, under these
circumstances, collide and explode so frequently, it is hard to recognize the
blessing amidst the debris. And yet, I
am blessed – for no greater “teacher” have I had in these forty-seven
years. I am however, a reluctant student,
for the mirror reflects too honestly what is mine alone.
I am simultaneously student, teacher, coach and mother. A
difficult set of skills to pull off. It
is a bit like trying to “score a goal” from the sidelines. There, on the sidelines, it appears easy,
infinitely possible. But it is not. On the sidelines there is no pressure, there
is no risk of injury – or failure. Oh
that I could complete this task from the sidelines – I most certainly would!
So, what are the losses I am supposed to stop and
grieve? Loss of a dream? Loss of
self? Loss of faith? Loss of relationship? Loss…loss…loss…
My greatest sadness comes from realizing that despite loving
action and positive intention, I cannot remove the pain and suffering of
another. Moreover, I can become a source
of pain in the midst of my own suffering.
Even when I feel her pain, through her actions and behavior; and even
though I feel great compassion for the circumstances that brought her into our
lives; and even though I desire, more than anything, for her to know peace,
happiness and love; I cannot craft her healing. Not, on my own.
It turns out that love does not conquer all; it is simply
the footing for the journey.
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