The Game is Bond...

November 8, 2009

A wise parent to five children recently said to me, during one of my discouraging moments, “It is not your job to make your children like you.” Huh, I thought, If they don’t like me, how can the love me, respect me, abide by me - Oh, wait I am getting mixed up with my marriage vows.

What are we trying to accomplish as parents, I pondered?

Right now, I am engrossed in Bonding 101; Faven only arrived in Canada 28 days ago, the equivalent of only one menstrual cycle! And the days are about as predictable as my hormonal mood swings! At this point, my ‘like-ability’ is all I have; it is inherent in a parent-child bond, isn’t it?

Truth be told, in my 13 years as a parent, my ‘like-ability’ has been my greatest asset - or liability, depending on who you ask. I started parenting with Kristin and Fraser when I married their father. Without a single labour pain I was delivered into step parenting with only the skills of a complete ‘wanna-be’. In the beginning I counted on my fun spirit, my love of kids and my ‘like-ability’. Of course I tried hard to get them to like me, who wouldn’t? Thankfully, my efforts paid off in short order and I quickly became a member of their expanding family; they coined the name of ‘bonus parent’ for me, and they certainly became bonus kids in my life and my heart.

My next sojourn into parenting started at the beginning - a birds and bees kind of beginning with a little fertilizer thrown in! Getting pregnant was difficult, and I had already thought of what we might do if we were unable to expand our family in the traditional way. However, pregnancy came along in the summer of 2001, and we welcomed Lauren in March. Perhaps in the beginning, it didn’t matter if she liked me - what was not to like with those massive milk-producing mammary glands? We got along famously! Life was simpler then; now she has very strong ideas about what will happen during her day, who is in charge, and whether or not I am the best or worst mother she has ever had! I strive to be consistent, and that doesn’t always make my daughter happy - but I still want her to like me.

Next came Yohannes, a family addition through international adoption. He was almost 3 years old when he joined our family. Again, I relied on my ‘like-ability’ and to a lesser extent, my parenting experience. My skills as a parent and, it seemed as a human being, were inaccessible to me in those initial months. Regardless, Yohannes took to me like a monkey to bananas - which incidentally described our respective temperaments as well. Despite my personal struggles, he made me look like an adoptive parent aficionado.

My most recent bundle of joy is 10 years old, 61 pounds and, well, let’s just say her idle speed is much, much, faster than mine; she can go from 0 - 60 faster than Abby chasing a rabbit. (Faven definitely rivals Yohannes, energetically speaking!) There is a sign posted in our local coffee shop that reads: “If you leave your child unattended, we will give them an espresso and a puppy”; it describes my Ethiopian-born children to-a-tee. Both Yohannes and Faven wake each day with a zest for living and an excitement about that days ‘new puppy’. It is both exhilarating and exhausting.

Researchers believe that the first two steps in attachment are Senses and Sameness. In order to lay the ground work for a trusting and loving life-long relationship, my focus is on stimulating all of her senses by hugs, kisses, tickling, talking, reading books, styling her hair, massaging her shoulders and feet, and by trying to find things that we both enjoy, emphasizing our similarities. These would be very difficult to do with a child who did not at least like me. Right now, I can’t afford not to be liked. However, there is risk involved in this endeavor of mine. My ‘new baby’ is 10 years old, smarter than a newborn, and not adverse to grabbing the stick and running it for all it’s worth. Faven is testing me on a daily (hourly) basis. I don’t understand the emotions of a 10-year-old Ethiopian orphan, turned daughter, enough to know what is normal. She wants to wear her new shiny white shoes out in the snow; she doesn’t want to wear a jacket outside; she wants to wear her new indoor soccer shoes outside; she doesn’t want to eat macaroni/soup/sandwiches/oatmeal/toast/etc. for breakfast/lunch/supper; she doesn’t want to give her sister any time to herself; she wants to sprint right across the street, despite traffic; she wants to explore with wild abandon every time we go somewhere new; she wanders away from me and hides, and then she thinks it’s funny when I can’t find her; and she wants me to buy her $100 hair extensions - AND she wants them to be blond! (Oh, I could go on.... and on.....)

I know that this is normal child development stuff. But for us, it is so much more - she is cycling through all of this on a daily basis AND, when she does not get what she wants or doesn’t understand what exactly she is getting, the throttle gets stuck; she flails, she wails, she protests loudly and with vigor, in pure toddler-like fashion. It is reminiscent of (pre-motherhood) grocery store visits where I watched a toddler throw a tantrum that made the 2004 Tsunami look mild, telling myself with confidence THAT will NEVER happen to me! Faven is not at all intimidated by being out in public. Yes, go ahead and assume - embarrassing!! Thankfully, for the past two years I have been intentionally engaged in parenting workshops with an amazing facilitator, and I have some tools to handle most behaviors in a warm and firm way. It is still a challenge.

I am constantly doing battle within, questioning each and every move/decision/action and weighing it against my desire to build trust and ultimately create a lasting bond. Every decision I make seems to have attached to it a cost/benefit equation - but my ability to compute is hindered by the very anxiety that is created by this process.

But the jury is already in, Faven already engages in so many sensory activities with me - a testament to my ‘like-ability’! Who’da thunk?